How to Help Your Teen Practice Assertiveness

Your daughter comes home upset because her friend borrowed her phone again and scrolled through her private messages—for the third time this month. She didn't want to hand it over, but "it felt weird to say no." Your son agreed to cover another Saturday shift at work even though he had plans. "I didn't know what else to say."

These moments might seem small, but they add up. And they point to a skill many teens haven't fully developed: assertiveness.

The good news? Assertiveness can be taught. And you're in a great position to help.

What Is Assertiveness, Exactly?

Think of a volume dial. Some people communicate too quietly—they're passive, and their needs get drowned out. Others blast their opinions so loudly they drown out everyone else—that's aggressive. Assertiveness is finding the right volume: loud enough to be heard clearly, without drowning out the people around you.¹

Assertiveness means expressing your needs, feelings and opinions honestly and respectfully.² It's not about winning arguments or getting your way. It's about being able to say what you think and ask for what you need—while still respecting others.

In practical terms, assertive communication looks like:³

• Giving an opinion or saying how you feel

• Asking for what you want or need

• Disagreeing respectfully

• Saying no without excessive guilt

• Speaking up for someone else

Your teen probably isn't born knowing how to do these things well. Most people aren't. Assertiveness is a skill—which means it can be learned, practiced and strengthened.⁴

Why Is Assertiveness Important for My Teen?

Teens who can speak up for themselves tend to make friends more easily, work through conflicts better, and get more respect from the people around them.⁵

But assertiveness is also connected to how teens handle pressure—including risky situations. When your daughter can say "no thanks" clearly and without excessive guilt, she's less likely to hand over her phone—and her privacy—just because it feels awkward to refuse. When your son can set a boundary with his boss, he's practicing the same skill he'll need when someone offers him a random pill at a party.⁶

The ability to say no—clearly, calmly and without caving—is one of the most protective skills a young person can have.

Why Does My Teen Struggle to Speak Up?

Some teens lean passive. They might lack confidence in their opinions, worry too much about pleasing others, fear rejection, or have had their ideas dismissed in the past.⁷ Often, teens want to blend into the crowd and are afraid to say or do anything that will call attention to themselves.

Here's what makes assertiveness hard in the moment: it means choosing short-term discomfort over avoidance. Speaking up can feel awkward or tense right away. But staying quiet often leads to lingering regret and frustration—the slow burn of wishing you'd said something. A little discomfort now usually means more calm and fewer resentments later.

Other teens lean aggressive—speaking too forcefully, focusing on their own needs at others' expense, or lacking listening skills.⁸

Neither extreme works well. The goal is the middle ground: clear, respectful, direct.

How Can I Help My Teen Communicate More Clearly?

Many teens—especially passive ones—have gotten so used to saying "I don't know" or "I don't care" that they've lost touch with their own preferences.⁹

Start small. If your teen says "whatever" when you ask what they want for dinner, gently push back: "Actually, pick one. Pizza or tacos?" The stakes are low, but you're building the muscle.¹⁰

Then introduce "I" statements. Instead of "You never listen to me" (which puts others on the defensive), try "I feel frustrated when I don't feel heard, because it's important to me to share my thoughts."¹¹ This structure—I feel [emotion] when [situation], because [reason]—helps teens express themselves without attacking.

How Do I Teach My Teen to Say No?

Saying no is hard for many teens. They don't want to seem rude, or they worry about what others will think.

Start with the basics: "No" is a complete sentence. Your teen doesn't owe anyone an explanation—though having one ready can make saying no easier.

Help them prepare. Role-play scenarios where they need to decline something—a request to copy homework, a party invitation, pressure to share something online or engage in a dangerous behavior. Practice until the words come more naturally.

A useful toolkit for refusal:

• Delay: "Let me think about it and get back to you."

• Blame someone else: "My parents would kill me."

• Use light humor: "I'd love to, but I'm trying to keep my streak of good decisions going."

• Offer an alternative: "I can't do that, but I could do this instead."

• Simple and direct: "No thanks, I'm good."

Dr. Lisa Damour, psychologist and author, suggests that the excuse doesn't even need to be true—it just needs to be planned.¹² Having something ready to say takes the pressure off in the moment.

How Do I Encourage My Teen to Advocate for Themselves?

Self-advocacy—speaking up to get your needs met—is a skill teens use constantly: asking a teacher for help, requesting a schedule change at work, telling a friend they crossed a line.¹³

When your teen complains about something they could actually address—"My teacher never explains things clearly"—resist the urge to fix it yourself. Instead, consider gently asking, “What’s getting in the way of standing up for yourself here?” or: "Have you thought of something that you’d be willing to say to them?"¹⁴ Then help them think through their approach.

A simple framework for self-advocacy:¹⁵

1. Stay calm. Take a breath before speaking.

2. Understand the problem. What exactly is the issue?

3. Consider options. What are some possible solutions?

4. Express yourself. Use clear, respectful language.

5. Reflect. How did it go? What would you do differently?

In some families and cultures, speaking up to adults—teachers, coaches, elders—can feel uncomfortable or even disrespectful.¹⁶ If that's the case in your home, you can still help your teen learn to advocate for themselves in ways that feel right to your family. Self-advocacy doesn't have to mean confrontation. It can mean asking respectful questions, requesting clarification, or expressing needs politely but clearly.

How Can I Help My Teen Stay Calm When Emotions Run High?

Strong feelings are useful—they tell your teen something matters. But when emotions run high, messages get muddled. A teen who's furious about an unfair grade may storm into a teacher's office and make things worse.

Teach the pause. Before responding in a charged moment, take a breath. Count to five.¹⁷ This isn't about suppressing emotions—it's about giving the brain a chance to catch up.

Dr. Ken Ginsburg, an expert on adolescent development, emphasizes that teens need strategies to process emotions so stress doesn't build up inside.¹⁸ Regular outlets—journaling, exercise, talking things through—help teens stay regulated so they can be assertive rather than reactive.

Does My Own Behavior Affect My Teen's Assertiveness?

Your teen learns more from watching you than from anything you say. Kids are great imitators—teens who see parents over-apologizing, hedging, or avoiding conflict are likely to pick up those habits themselves.¹⁹

Notice how you handle situations that require assertiveness. Do you speak up when your order is wrong at a restaurant? Do you set boundaries with your own friends and family? When kids see parents checking with each other before making decisions, or genuinely asking "what do you think?"—they learn that other perspectives matter and that collaboration is normal.²⁰

You don't have to be perfect. But being aware of what you're modeling goes a long way.

What If My Teen Resists Practicing?

Some teens will roll their eyes at the idea of role-playing scenarios or practicing "I" statements. That's okay. You can still help.

• Catch real moments. When a situation comes up naturally—a frustrating text from a friend, a conflict at school—ask questions. "What do you want to happen here? What could you say?"

• Make it about them, not you. Frame it as helping them get what they want, not as a lesson you're teaching.

• Share your own struggles. "I had a hard time speaking up when I was your age too. Here's something that helped me..."

• Drop it and come back. If your teen shuts down, don't push. Try again another time.

• Reinforce when they’re on the right track. When teens are skillfully standing up for themseves—even if they are disagreeing with us!—we should take the opportunity to let them know that we’re impressed.

• Keep it in perspective. Not every situation calls for assertiveness. Help your teen see that it's about the moments that matter—things with real consequences. Speaking up all the time isn't the goal; knowing which battles are worth their energy is.

The goal isn't a formal training session. It's weaving these conversations into everyday life.

What If My Teen Has Anxiety, ADHD, or Other Challenges?

Some teens face additional hurdles when it comes to assertiveness. These young people may want to speak up—but the process feels harder, more confusing, or more emotionally costly.

Anxiety can make speaking up feel overwhelming. Attention challenges might lead to blurting things out or losing track of what they wanted to say. Difficulty reading social cues can make it harder to know when and how assertiveness is appropriate. So these teens often stay quiet, even when they need help.

Parents can make a real difference by keeping practice low-pressure. Offer simple phrases they can use in the moment. Break skills into small steps. Help them notice early signs of feeling overwhelmed—before they shut down completely. A little structure, patience and collaboration with caring adults at school or work can make speaking up feel more manageable and help these teens build confidence over time.

If your teen needs more support, consider working with a counselor or therapist who can tailor strategies to their specific needs.

When Should I Get Professional Help?

If your teen's difficulty with assertiveness is causing significant problems—social isolation, inability to function at school, extreme anxiety about speaking up—it may be time to consult a professional. A therapist can help teens build confidence and communication skills in a supportive environment.

How Will My Teen Find Their Voice?

Assertiveness isn't about being loud or pushy. It's about knowing what you think, being able to say it, and respecting others enough to hear what they think too.

Your teen is still learning to find their voice. With your support—and plenty of low-stakes practice—they'll get there.

References: Scott Hadland, MD, Chief of Adolescent Medicine, Mass General for Children/Harvard Medical School; Lisa Damour, PhD, Teen Parenting Expert, Best Selling Author, Co-Host of Ask Lisa Podcast

1. Collier, Lorna. "Stand Up for Yourself." gradPSYCH Magazine, American Psychological Association, November 2014.

2. KidsHealth. "Assertiveness." TeensHealth, Nemours Foundation.

3. KidsHealth. "Assertiveness." TeensHealth, Nemours Foundation.

4. Collier, Lorna. "Stand Up for Yourself." gradPSYCH Magazine, American Psychological Association, November 2014.

5. KidsHealth. "Assertiveness." TeensHealth, Nemours Foundation.

6. Mayo Clinic Staff. "Teen Drug Abuse: Help Your Teen Avoid Drugs." Mayo Clinic.

7. KidsHealth. "Assertiveness." TeensHealth, Nemours Foundation.

8. KidsHealth. "Assertiveness." TeensHealth, Nemours Foundation.

9. KidsHealth. "Assertiveness." TeensHealth, Nemours Foundation.

10. KidsHealth. "Assertiveness." TeensHealth, Nemours Foundation.

11. Youth AOD Toolbox. "Assertiveness Skills Training." Dovetail.

12. Damour, Lisa, PhD. Quoted in Debrovner, Diane. "How to Help Your Teen Say No to Risky Behavior." Grown and Flown.

13. Pathway2Success. "Self-Advocacy Scenarios for Teens."

14. Jacobson, Rae. "Teaching Kids About Boundaries." Child Mind Institute.

15. Pathway2Success. "Self-Advocacy Scenarios for Teens."

16. Leverett, Patrice. Quoted in Collier, Lorna. "Stand Up for Yourself." gradPSYCH Magazine, American Psychological Association, November 2014.

17. Harvard Graduate School of Education. "5 Tips for Cultivating Empathy." Making Caring Common Project.

18. Ginsburg, Ken, MD. "Support Teens to Release Emotions." Center for Parent and Teen Communication.

19. Busman, Rachel, PsyD. Quoted in Jacobson, Rae. "Why Girls Apologize Too Much." Child Mind Institute.

20. Jacobson, Rae. "Teaching Kids About Boundaries." Child Mind Institute.