Your child just got access to social media. How do you keep them safe?
What’s the biggest threat to a teen with a smartphone? Is it peer influence, celebrities, pornography, drugs? It’s hard to know where to start. As excited as they are to have unprecedented access to friends and the world, this is an opportunity to be honest and set boundaries with your child. Children can develop unhealthy habits with too much or too little freedom; this interactive scenario can help you find that middle ground where your child can accept and thrive within the rules and structure you create together.
What to do when your child gets their first phone and first social account
Your daughter is about to get her first smartphone and is excited to explore social media. You start a conversation with her so you can set some boundaries.
There may be more than one correct answer.
Child says, “I’m so excited to share pictures with all my friends on Instagram.”
A) “I’m not letting you on Instagram.”
A. [Child says:] “What? Why not?!”
B. [Try Again] If you choose not to let your child use a certain app or platform, consider making it a conversation. Share your feelings with them so your child can understand the rationale behind your concerns. Maybe you can find a compromise that everyone can live with.
B) “I’m glad you’re excited, but I have some concerns about that.”
A. [Child says:] “What are you worried about?”
B. [Correct] Share your feelings, concerns, and rationale with your child so they understand your perspective. Maybe you can find a compromise that everyone can live with. Instagram features a guide to help teens and families navigate the app safely: https://about.instagram.com/community/parents#guide
C) “You have to be at least 18 years old to use Instagram.”
A. [Child says:] “No, you don’t. You’re lying.”
B. [Try Again] Instagram users don’t have to be 18; we don’t need to mislead kids to keep them from apps or platforms. Misleading a child will probably cause them to lose trust in your words. Instagram features a guide to help teens and families navigate the app safely: https://about.instagram.com/community/parents#guide
D) “I’m not sure how I feel about that. I think I need some time to think about it.”
A. [Child says:] “Oh. I can still text, though, right?”
B. [Correct] It’s OK to admit you’re not sure and to take time to consider what apps and activities your child is ready for. It’s important to know your child’s maturity level, set sensible boundaries, and stay curious about what they do and see online.
Child says, “You can’t monitor my phone. It’s none of your business.”
A) “We’re a team. I want to keep you safe.”
A. [Child says:] “I didn’t ask you to.”
B. [Correct] Your child may not like being monitored, but they should understand your motivation to keep them safe. There are many parental control apps with different features, including Bark, Qustodio, Teen Orbit, Screen time, Norton Family, SecureTeen, Life 360, Google Family Link (free option) and more.
B) “There are dangerous things online that you may not know about.”
A. [Child says:] “Like what?”
B. [Correct] It’s wise to focus on the facts and not let emotions escalate. In 2021, a record 107,000 Americans died of drug overdoses and poisonings, mostly driven by fentanyl. Counterfeit pills sold online are part of this problem. While social media companies use AI to identify and remove posts trying to sell drugs online, they can’t catch all of them.
C) “I’m paying for it, so it is my business.”
A. [Child says:] “That’s not fair!”
B. [Try Again] It’s tempting to assert your authority as parent because you are the provider, but if paying for something makes your decisions on that thing final, your child may find a way to make money and use your logic against you. Make safety and cooperation the focus of the conversation.
D) “If you can’t accept supervision, you’re not ready for a phone.”
A. [Child says:] “All my friends have phones! You can’t do this!”
B. [Try Again] Avoid making “final straw” statements like this unless the conversation has led you to conclude that there are no possible compromises to ensure your child’s safety. If your child gets upset and won’t accept supervision, suggest pausing the conversation to allow them time to calm down.
E) “I want to know what you’re interested in.”
A. [Child says:] “Oh. Well, you can just ask.”
B. [Correct] Children generally want to share their passions and hobbies with you, if you ask with genuine, judgment-free curiosity. You may not need a parental control app at all if they share openly with you. Or an app could verify that they’re not hiding anything.
Child says, “I think I could go viral. Can you film me pranking strangers?”
A) “Do you want to get arrested?”
A. [Child says:] “I’m not going to get arrested! It’ll be funny!”
B. [Try Again] Rhetorical questions rarely get the response you want. The question suggests that your child is reckless, so they are likely to defend their idea and label getting arrested as absurd and impossible. We also don’t know yet what kind of pranks she had in mind.
B) “What kind of prank do you have in mind?”
A. [Child says:] “I’ll eat vanilla pudding out of an old mayonnaise jar and see how people react.”
B. [Correct] It’s always smart to ask questions and get more information. What someone considers a prank could be a serious crime or a harmless joke.
C) “Did you hear about the content creator who went to Japan and filmed himself pranking people? He was arrested for harassment and sentenced to five years in prison.”
A. [Child says:] “Seriously? That’s crazy.”
B. [Correct] While this may be an extreme example, you can highlight real events to remind your child that pranks, silly videos, and online challenges can have big real-world repercussions. Phrasing it this way also avoids making assumptions about what kind of prank your child was planning.
D) “I’m not getting involved. Ask your friends to help.”
A. [Child says:] “Fine, I will.”
B. [Try Again] Without supervision, the situation could become problematic and may become even worse with her peers. When egos and hormones are involved, children may drive each other to more reckless, attention-seeking behavior.
E) “I can supervise, but I’m the final judge on what pranks are acceptable.”
A. [Child says:] “OK, sure.”
B. [Correct] If you are comfortable being involved, you can steer your child toward lighthearted pranks and away from anything dangerous, disruptive, or illegal. When possible, staying involved will nudge your child to make safer choices.
Child says, “I don’t need dinner. I’m just going to FaceTime with my friends tonight.”
A) “Let’s talk about that because it’s important to me that we have family time.”
A. [Child says:] “Oh. Maybe we can have family time this weekend.”
B. [Correct] It’s useful to share your feelings and values and open a dialogue rather than set a mandate. Teens can get carried away with their phones, but setting boundaries helps hold them accountable and well-rounded.
B) “I’m worried you haven’t been getting enough sleep. I’d like you to keep your phone charging in the living room after 10:00pm.”
A. [Child says:] “I’m fine, OK?”
B. [Correct] Your child will probably shrug off your concerns and dislike the boundaries you set, but it’s necessary to negotiate and enforce rules to keep them healthy. Expressing how you feel puts an understandable reason behind the rule, even if your child dislikes it.
C) “Dinner is more important.”
A. [Child says:] “That’s your opinion.”
B. [Try Again] Saying this is unlikely to persuade your child. It’s useful to share your feelings, your values, and open dialogue rather than make statements or set mandates. Teens can get carried away with their phones, but setting boundaries helps hold them accountable and keeps them well-rounded.
D) “I don’t think your friends are a good influence on you.”
A. [Child says:] “You don’t know anything about them!”
B. [Try Again] If you have concerns about your child’s friends, it’s best to approach your child at a separate time with specific evidence and examples of problem behavior rather than throw a conclusion at them to make them feel guilty about behavior you don’t like.
Child says, “People buy drugs online? Like on Amazon?”
A) “There are anonymous people on social apps selling drugs, but the drugs you get could be anything, including very dangerous substances.”
A. [Child says:] “I guess that makes sense.”
B. [Correct] Cheaply and illicitly made, potentially lethal “fentapills” containing fentanyl are disguised as prescription pills and traded on the streets, in public places and with strangers online. Encourage your child to be part of the solution by anonymously reporting accounts that post drug content.
B) “The drug responsible for the most deaths right now is called fentanyl, and it’s often found in pills illegally sold online.”
A. [Child says:] “Wow, really?”
B. [Correct] Cheaply and illicitly made, potentially lethal “fentapills” containing fentanyl are disguised as prescription pills and traded on the streets, in public places and with strangers online. Encourage your child to be part of the solution by anonymously reporting accounts that post drug content.
C) “No, social media companies block all the posts about selling drugs.”
A. [Child says:] “Oh, that’s good.”
B. [Try Again] Many social media companies use AI technology to identify and remove drug content, but it’s impossible to catch all of it. Drug sellers are constantly evolving, learning new covert terms and tricks to get around the filters. Encourage your child to be part of the solution by anonymously reporting accounts that post drug content.
D) “Just stay away from drugs and you won’t have to worry about it.”
A. [Child says:] “Why won’t you just tell me?”
B. [Try Again] Research shows that telling kids to “just say no” doesn’t work. Guilt and shame can push drug users to feel helpless and hide their drug use to avoid judgment. Information and preparedness are the best precautions against dangerous drug-related situations.
Tip sheet: How to keep your child safe on their phone and on social
Helping your child navigate the complexities of smartphone usage involves open communication, setting boundaries, and finding a balance between freedom and structure. Parents can empower their children to develop healthy habits and make responsible choices in the digital world by engaging in honest conversations and jointly establishing rules.
Discuss with your child (preferably ahead of time) which apps/sites are OK and which are not. They may protest; consider where you’re willing to budge, and what is not negotiable.
Talk to your child about their online interests, habits, and behavior. Staying curious is the best way to deter irresponsible behavior.
Encourage your child to “unfollow” people whose content feels harmful or inappropriate. Our attention is currency, and we should be intentional in spending it on what we find worthy and aligned with our values.
Consider making a schedule/routine in which they can have their phone at certain hours, but at other times of day/night, they must recharge their phone elsewhere. Consider setting boundaries on where the phone may go in or outside the house.
Consider an app to monitor or even block certain online activities for your child: options include Bark, Qustodio, Teen Orbit, Screen Time, Norton Family, SecureTeen, Life 360, Google Family Link (free option) and more. Various apps have different features, prices, parameters or focuses.
Song for Charlie works with SnapChat, who uses AI technology to identify and remove drug content in real time, but it’s impossible to catch all of it. Drug sellers are constantly learning new covert terms and tricks to get around the filters. Encourage your child to be part of the solution by anonymously reporting accounts that post drug content.
Online influencers sometimes film themselves doing dangerous, reckless, or illegal things for views, attention, and clout. Reminding your child of the downside can persuade them not to repeat those behaviors. Social media influencer Kai Cenat was charged with inciting a riot in New York during a prize giveaway, at which 65 people were arrested. Streamer Johnny Somali was sentenced to five years in jail in Japan for racist harassment. TikToker Mizzy was fined and arrested twice for offenses, including breaking into a stranger’s home and being a public nuisance.
