How Do I Help My Child Build Resilience?
Your son studied hard for that math test. Really hard. And he still failed it. Now he's in his room saying he's "just stupid" and there's no point in trying anymore. Or maybe your daughter didn't make the team after practicing all summer. She's devastated, and you're seeing her spiral into "I'm not good at anything." In these moments, watching your child hurt, your instinct screams to fix it—to call the teacher, to email the coach, to somehow make the pain go away. But here's what's actually happening: your child is standing at a crossroads. One path leads to learning they can handle disappointment. The other leads to believing they can't.
WHAT IS RESILIENCE, REALLY?
Think of a tree in a windstorm. The tree that survives isn't the one that never bends—it's the one with deep roots and a flexible trunk that can sway without snapping. That's resilience. It's not about being happy all the time or never struggling. It's about knowing you can bend without breaking.¹ Resilience means your teen feels crushed by that rejection letter and still fills out the next application. They bomb the test, feel terrible about it, and figure out how to study differently next time. They can sit with difficult emotions without needing to make them disappear immediately.² This matters especially now. When teens lack skills to handle emotional discomfort, some seek quick relief through risky choices. In today's world, that might mean pills bought through social media or gotten from a friend—fake prescription pills they think are safe medication but could be counterfeits made with fentanyl or other dangerous chemicals.³ Building resilience gives your teen healthier ways to cope when life gets hard. And today's teens face pressures previous generations didn't: constant social media comparisons, relentless achievement culture, and endless content feeds competing for their attention. These pressures make resilience skills more essential than ever.⁴
WHY DO SOME KIDS BOUNCE BACK BETTER THAN OTHERS?
You've probably noticed: one teen gets cut from the team and shrugs it off. Another spirals for weeks. What's the difference? Resilience isn't something you're born with or without. It's a skill that develops through experiences, relationships and practice. Kids who seem more resilient have often had more chances to face challenges, work through them and learn they could survive the discomfort.⁵
Several factors shape resilience:⁶
Support systems: Kids with caring adults and friends to turn to recover faster from setbacks.
Thinking patterns: Do they think "I'm terrible at everything" or "I struggled with this specific thing"?
Past experiences: Kids who've successfully navigated challenges have evidence they can do it again.
Sense of control: When kids believe their actions matter, they keep trying.
What if my teen has other challenges? Kids dealing with mental health issues like anxiety or depression, or those with ADHD or learning differences, often struggle more with building resilience.⁷ They're working harder just to manage daily life, so setbacks hit differently. These kids aren't less capable of resilience—they just need more support and sometimes professional help to develop these skills.
WHAT AM I DOING THAT MIGHT BE GETTING IN THE WAY?
Even well-meaning parents can accidentally undermine resilience:
Solving everything for them: When you fix every problem, you're sending the message that your child can't handle challenges.⁸ They never discover their own capacity.
Protecting them from all failure: If you call the teacher about the grade or make excuses for missed commitments, your teen doesn't learn that failure isn't fatal.⁹
Dismissing their feelings: "It's not that big a deal" or "You'll get over it" tells them their emotions are wrong. This doesn't help them process feelings—it makes them feel alone with them.¹⁰
Being inconsistent with rules: Enforcing expectations one day and letting them slide the next because you feel bad teaches teens the world is unpredictable and their actions don't matter.¹¹
HOW DO I ACTUALLY BUILD MY TEEN'S RESILIENCE?
Let them struggle—but what does that mean? This is the hardest one. When your teen is struggling with something that won't cause serious harm, step back. Let them work through the frustration of difficult homework. Don't immediately fix a friendship conflict.¹² What does "won't cause serious harm" mean? If your teen is:
Frustrated with a challenging but achievable task
Dealing with typical peer conflicts
Facing appropriate academic or extracurricular challenges
Experiencing normal disappointments
Let them work through it. You're not abandoning them—you're standing nearby while they discover their own strength.¹³
When should I step in? Sometimes stepping back isn’t the right call. If your teen is facing bullying (in-person or online) or inappropriate behavior from a coach or teacher, you should step in for safety reasons. And if they're showing signs of being truly overwhelmed (see "When Should I Get Professional Help?" below)—step in then, too.
Should I acknowledge their feelings or push them to move on? Both. Start with empathy: "I know this feels terrible. I can see how disappointed you are." Let them sit with those feelings.¹⁴ Then, once they've been heard: "What's one small thing you could try?" or "What do you think might help?" This teaches them difficult feelings are normal and manageable, not catastrophic.¹⁵
Does sharing my own struggles actually help? Yes. Your teen learns by watching you—both the good and the bad. When you face a challenge, narrate your process: "I'm really frustrated about this work situation. I'm going to take a walk to clear my head, then figure out my next step." But be careful about what you're modeling. If you come home and say, "I've had a terrible day—I need a drink," you're teaching them that substances are how adults handle stress. That's a message you probably don't want to send.
You're modeling that everyone struggles. Make sure you're also showing your teen healthy ways to cope.¹⁶
What should I praise—results or effort? Effort. Instead of "You're so smart!" try "You worked really hard on that" or "I like how you kept trying different approaches." And when they succeed at something, ask them how they feel about it—then tell them they should feel proud.¹⁷ When they struggle, ask "What could you learn from this?" This helps them see challenges as opportunities to improve rather than proof they're not good enough.¹⁸
Can other people help build my teen's resilience, or is it just on me? Other people are crucial. Kids with strong connections to family, friends, teachers and mentors recover faster from setbacks.¹⁹ Encourage friendships. Make your home welcoming to their friends. Support activities where they'll find community. These connections become resources when things get hard.²⁰
Does giving them responsibilities really matter? Yes. Let your teen help around the house, volunteer or support a friend who's struggling. Being needed builds competence and purpose.²¹ When your teen helps solve someone else's problem, they see their own challenges differently—and discover they're more capable than they thought.²²
WHEN SHOULD I GET PROFESSIONAL HELP?
Sometimes what looks like a lack of resilience signals something deeper. Consider professional support if your teen:²³
Shows persistent changes in sleep, eating or mood lasting more than two weeks
Can't function in daily activities due to anxiety or stress
Withdraws completely from friends and activities they used to enjoy
Talks about feeling hopeless or worthless
Shows signs of self-harm
Turns to substances to cope with difficult feelings
Experiences panic attacks or intense anxiety that interferes with daily life
Is getting help a failure? Getting help isn't giving up—it's showing your teen what resilience actually looks like in real life.
What do I actually do? If you see these signs, don't wait for them to get worse. Call your pediatrician this week—they can do an initial assessment and refer you to the right specialist. Your school counselor can also connect you with resources, often at no cost. If your teen is in immediate crisis—talking about suicide or self-harm—call 988 (the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline) or take them to the emergency room. Don't try to handle it alone. If you're unsure whether your teen needs help, trust your gut. Call your pediatrician or school counselor. They'd rather hear from you and reassure you than have you wait too long.
WHAT DOES TEEN RESILIENCE LOOK LIKE?
You can't prevent your child from facing hard times. But you can give them tools to bend without breaking—to weather storms and grow stronger roots in the process.
Every challenge they work through, with you standing supportive nearby, builds evidence that they can handle what comes next. The goal isn't raising a child who never struggles. It's raising one who knows they can struggle and survive it—and who knows when to ask for help.
So the next time your son bombs that test or your daughter doesn't make the team? Don't fix it. Don't dismiss it. Let them sit with the disappointment. Ask what they learned, not what went wrong. Notice how hard they tried, not just the outcome. Let them watch you do the same when you face your own setbacks. And remind them that struggling with something hard doesn't mean they're failing—it means they're growing.
That's how you build resilience—not by protecting them from every storm, but by standing nearby while they learn they can weather it.
References: Scott Hadland, MD, Chief of Adolescent Medicine, Mass General for Children/Harvard Medical School
References
¹ American Psychological Association. Resilience for Teens: 10 Tips to Build Skills on Bouncing Back from Rough Times. APA, June 2020.
² American Psychological Association. Resilience for Teens: 10 Tips to Build Skills on Bouncing Back from Rough Times. APA, June 2020.
³ Mayo Clinic. Teen Drug Abuse: Help Your Teen Avoid Drugs. Mayo Clinic, February 2023; Abrams, Zara. More Teens Than Ever Are Overdosing. Psychologists Are Leading New Approaches to Combat Youth Substance Misuse. APA Monitor on Psychology, March 2024.
⁴ Pew Research Center. Teens and Social Media: Negative Effects and Pressures of Online Life. Pew, April 2025.
⁵ The Jed Foundation. Characteristics of Resilient People. JED Foundation, n.d.
⁶ The Jed Foundation. Characteristics of Resilient People. JED Foundation, n.d.
⁷ Brooks, Robert. Building Resilience in Children with ADHD: Islands of Competence. ADDitude Magazine, June 2025; Attaway, Julia Johnson. Supporting vs Enabling. Child Mind Institute, August 2025.
⁸ Attaway, Julia Johnson. Supporting vs Enabling. Child Mind Institute, August 2025.
⁹ Child Mind Institute. 12 Tips for Raising Confident Kids. Child Mind Institute, May 2025.
¹⁰ Attaway, Julia Johnson. Supporting vs Enabling. Child Mind Institute, August 2025.
¹¹ Attaway, Julia Johnson. Supporting vs Enabling. Child Mind Institute, August 2025.
¹² Child Mind Institute. 12 Tips for Raising Confident Kids. Child Mind Institute, May 2025; Arky, Beth. How to Build Boys' Self-Confidence. Child Mind Institute, August 2024.
¹³ Ravitz, Alan. How to Foster Resilience in Kids. Child Mind Institute, August 2024; Child Mind Institute. 12 Tips for Raising Confident Kids. Child Mind Institute, May 2025.
¹⁴ Attaway, Julia Johnson. Supporting vs Enabling. Child Mind Institute, August 2025.
¹⁵ American Psychological Association. Resilience for Teens: 10 Tips to Build Skills on Bouncing Back from Rough Times. APA, June 2020.
¹⁶ Weir, Kirsten. How to Help Kids Understand and Manage Their Emotions. American Psychological Association, April 2023.
¹⁷ Child Mind Institute. 12 Tips for Raising Confident Kids. Child Mind Institute, May 2025; Damour, Dr. Lisa and Reena Ninan. How Do I Build My Kids’ Confidence and Self-Esteem? Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Parenting Podcast, January 2022.
¹⁸ Child Mind Institute. 12 Tips for Raising Confident Kids. Child Mind Institute, May 2025.
¹⁹ Ravitz, Alan. How to Foster Resilience in Kids. Child Mind Institute, August 2024.
²⁰ The Jed Foundation. How to Build Resilience in Teens and Young Adults. JED Foundation, n.d.
²¹ Child Mind Institute. 12 Tips for Raising Confident Kids. Child Mind Institute, May 2025.
²² The Jed Foundation. How to Build Resilience in Teens and Young Adults. JED Foundation, n.d.
²³ Mayo Clinic. Teen Drug Abuse: Help Your Teen Avoid Drugs. Mayo Clinic, February 2023.
